Friday night, I went out to the Beer House with Shaniqua.  It was alright…some deep, meaningful conversation.  Then we stopped by the Bear to see if one of her friends was there.  He wasn’t, but BK was.

We talked, and after he finished work, we came to my place for some coffee.  Fortunately, we didn’t have time for too much, but during the conversation, he was telling me that he’s happy to be a dad, but miserable with his blonde, blue eyed, Barbie.

Though it was good to see him again, and indulge a little revenge against the woman who looked down on me like she was so much better than me, I didn’t take the next step and meet him Saturday night.

I still love him, and the pain sits like a rock in my stomach…but I’m a stronger person than I was then because of it.  Back then I loved him because I admired him.  I thought he was smart and different.  Now I just love him because his intentions are basically honorable…but now I know he’s as dumb as a brick, and believed the media hype concerning beauty so deeply that it was self destructive.  He chose a harpy who constantly berates him over someone who (trying to look at myself relatively objectively) isn’t so trendy as far as looks, but treated him like a man, and would sooner hurt herself than him.

So everything works out in the end.  I may love him madly, but a man that stupid can’t be my partner.  Maybe he’ll be smart enough to correct his mistake…We all make mistakes…but as things stand at the moment, he’s a dumbass who volunteered for his own pain.

He told me, in our talk, that he never meant to hurt me.  I told him that I forgave him a long time ago.  The reason is that once my hopes were readjusted to fit reality, I think he hurt himself more than he hurt me.

This song is a couple of years old already, but I just heard it the night before last, at Jacuzzi’s place. It’s now one of my favorites as, aside of being a good song, it articulates perfectly something I try to tell my potential partners when something goes wrong…that something often being my shutting down and backing off when I should probably be reaching out.

“I got this icebox where my heart used to be.”