Here is an answer I gave to someone on Yahoo Answers today who asked how can they love themselves more.
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Some people expect good self esteem to come out of nowhere…like you can just start chanting, “I’m okay, you’re okay!” and everything will magically right itself. I don’t believe in that.
The most real cures for self contempt, I found surprisingly in the works of Nietzsche. First of all, be your own person. Then you can decide if you like that person or not. Then if there’s something you don’t like, you can change it with your eyes open. Short version: be you and then do you.
If you’re always listening to what other people have to say is wrong with you, then of course you’re going to feel bad about yourself. Most of the world wants average and mediocre, and so anybody who is different or non “ideal” is treated badly. Paying too much attention to people who are like crabs in a bucket, always dragging themselves and others down is not good.
If you find it difficult to shut out the external negativity, try looking into exactly why these other people’s opinions matter to you so much. Some people have a kind of a fear of being arrogant, which makes them take on a kind of false humility that becomes a self deprecating habit. They drag themselves down like an internal babysitter with a big paddle is watching to make sure they don’t step out of line.
Visualize this, and see how silly it is. You can look all around you and see that you’re not immortal, and that if you do bad things to people, it’s going to come back to you. You don’t need the internal bad-nanny to keep you in line. Reality does that just fine.
So admit to yourself the good things about you. Then you can learn to take a compliment, and give credible compliments the same value as credible criticism. In fact, getting rid of the negative self talk will make you more able to figure out what’s a real comment, and what’s just someone talking out of their bum.
It’s not easy at first, since having a social life and family means that we do have to take other people’s feelings into account…but remember that your feelings are important too. Nobody should be stomping on your ego to improve their own. This doesn’t help you, and even if they think it does, it doesn’t help them.
Remember, like I said before, reality is the best regulator. If others are out of touch with reality, it doesn’t mean you have to be as well.
Frankly, only someone who had at least a little survival instinct in them, would be asking how to love themselves more. Start with that…you are a strong person waiting to happen. If you feed your inner tiger good food, it will grow healthy and stronger. If you feed it junk, it will weaken and die.
Other practical things that will improve your confidence:
Watch less television. In fact, stop watching anything that isn’t genuinely funny or at least very entertaining to you.
Until you understand that fashion is just art, and that people aren’t supposed to actually look like models, stop watching fashion or celebrity shows, or looking at fashion or popular magazines. When you understand that it’s an art, and that you don’t need to conform to that any more than you need to have a replica of every Michaelangelo sculpture in your livingroom to have a nice place, then you can start looking at them again.
…and it may sound overly Oprah, but keep a gratitude journal. Every day come up with 10 things you’re thankful for, and write them down. This will remind you of what’s really important in your life. They could be complicated things like the way someone you like brushes their hair, or simple things like the taste of chocolate.
Another thing that helps you love yourself is sensual pleasures. I don’t necessarily mean sexual ones. I mean surrounding yourself with things that make you happy…getting a good hug from someone you know is a good hugger…a really good massage sometimes. Treat yourself like someone you love.
While you’re doing all this, you’ll also be rethinking your worldview, which shifts your thoughts about honor and integrity and justice to things that are realistic and useful for you. Be a good person, and you’ll be a more confident person because you’ll be being someone you like to be around.
Doing things for other people is a big help. It helps you to focus on the big picture, and not get too wrapped up in the petty things. Do some volunteer work either officially or unofficially. Make sandwiches and give them to homeless people. Give out free hugs. Do something.
Along the way, also do things to better yourself and your situation. Whenever I have a bad breakup, I like to create something…make something. It gives somewhere for those negative feelings to go other than locking them inside.
I know this was long but improving self confidence isn’t as simple as just thinking you’re cool. It’s being your cool, your way.
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